Nicole Dionne

music app.

music... it is the beat by which we live by. The pulse that we walk to. The jingle that we just cant get out of our heads. We use it for everything. To make sales, to escape moments, to cherish moments, to express feelings and emotions, and to get points across.

What is music to me, and what is my biggest musical influence. Why that would be my favorite music teacher Mrs. Pare. She was my choir teacher for all my high school years. She was and still is the most amazing, interesting person i have ever met. She is the teacher that made you want to go to school everyday. She wore the most interesting outfits i have ever seen. I remember one day she wore a pink and black bat like pair of pants. And she loves to wear shiny shirts, and weird clashing outfits that make you wonder what she was thinking that morning. She is a Viterbo graduate. The very school I dream of going to. I got accepted but i can't go.

Mrs. Pare is the reason i love music so much. She has taught me everything i know. When i thought i was tone deaf, she laughed and took extra time with me to teach me the right notes. When i had a big case of stage fright... she worked me though it and even helped me be comfortable enough to do a few solo's. And no i don't mean singing so low no one can hear me. I mean singing on stage, alone, in front of the world. A concept that before her i would have never considered.

Even now, in my busy collage life i find time to visit her, and even now she plays a important part in my musical life. When i began your class i was terrified i wouldn't do as well as everyone else i mean me a freshman in collage among all these talented experienced collage students. So i went back to her and once again she did not fail to help me with everything i needed.

Last year my senior year, she helped me in what i like think is the biggest way. She helped me experience. You see last year our class had the chance to go to Florida and perform at Epcot in Disney land. I participated in every sale i could and saved ever dime i earned but even then my funding was.... minute, and lacking. When she saw that i was trying hard and getting nowhere she helped me... she made sure that even thought i couldn't afford to go i got to go anyway. My school funded my trip to Epcot. This trip was by far the most amazing experience of my life. I had no idea how much music was involved in Disney. It seemed every ride we went on had a theme song and every song entitled a fairy tale. The musical out breaks, the parades. Every singer was simply amazing. My favorite singer was the young lady who song Ariel in the little mermaid. She had the most beautiful voice.

We stayed for a week. And bathed in the musical experiences. Then after all the fun we had we performed at Epcot. I can still remember our voices echoing through the parks. Ringing as it travels over the space and into the ears of thousands. Or i would like to think it was thousands. Me and one other girl attempted to sing the descant successfully. I would like to think we succeeded.

Our epcot trip was not the only musically enriched trip that she blessed us with. She also took us to see the musical “cats” and “the lion king”. Both of which where again amazing. I enjoyed “lion king more”, seeing the characters in real life. And see them uses different things to make effects that make the animals look real.

Mrs. Pare was no doubt the biggest musical influence to me, but she wasn't the only one. The next biggest influence was no doubt my father. Ever since i was a youngin my father has exposed me to music of all different types. His love for music matches my mine for sure. When we are in the car i can turn the radio onto any channel and no matter what song it is (with in reason) he knows ever word. He has shown me every type of music he knows. And he supports my showing vocal practices... even if they are no doubt annoying. And he always makes me feel better about my screw ups. He was there to help me get everything i ever needed for school, and was there to help me with anything else i would ever need. He funded all of my school trips.

So there you have it.... my two biggest musical influences.... my two heroes. Mrs. Pare and Steve Dionne. The reason i became interested in music... and the reason i excelled in music.

i wrote this a while back.... a distance in time that feels like forever... i would like to say i felt nothing for him... but i dont like to lie.... broken hearts and broken dreams make for tough skin....

your kiss
as sharp as sugar,
sweet shock
tender taste.
eyes as blue as the water
i long to be in.
reflection,
looking glass
for all within.
a kiss
a touch
a blink of an eye
murmer of bliss.

there all blank....
like the canvis before me.
blank eyes,
blank hearts,
blank minds,
empty souls....
i see you all
and i think to myself
how can you all feel nothing?


it hurts soo much

I wasn't enough... i have never been enough.... for anyone... i was just the tasty appetizer before the main meal. I'm pleasing to the tongue but you'll never settle for me.... all i have ever wanted was something lasting.... even for the shortest of time period.... something with minor permanence. Something that suggests that i am worth more than a one night stand. You all show me your weaknesses. Unveiling yourselves to me, and praying for my acceptance. And i do... i find you perfect the way you are.... but you never find my weakness... my cry for acceptance.. you in your selfish world, of oh i am ugly, or oh i am weak, you fail to see the slut you make me to be... you use me for your emotional needs, then discard me when your needs are met.... are you done with me now.

You fear exposure of this weakness, this flaw you can quite hide. And while you blind yourselves with fear, i stand there arms wide, and pray its me you'll think about tomorrow. More than the random phone call pleading for help, pleading for acceptance, pleading for flattery.

you hold me close,

and say i am your everything.

but as the sun sets and the sky grows dark,

i can never see where you are?...

its only in the tomorows that i see the lies,

everything,

lies.

everything,

fake.

well what a pretence for me to fall on.

today

i drop like all the lies before me.

to the ground

you can still here me splatter.

everthing around me.

falling like rocks

down

onto

me

.

until i hit the gound, you can still hear me screaming....

he tricked me

as shure as i say "i know you"

he tricked me.

he made me believe i ment something to him.

he said

"i miss you"

but ment

"i want you"

he said

"i am here for you"

but he really ment

"give me someting i dont have"

i opened myself to him.

gave him everything deep in me

my heart

my love.

i dont know when it was that he fooled mr into belief.

but i know it hurts more than life.

i move on

to someone new.

i want him to move on to.

move your lies elsewhere.

but even as i hold my new.

i feel my old too.

tearing at my heart.

YOU FOOLED ME!

I HATE YOU!

it would have been fine for him to leave things as is.

from the begining.

we were drunk.

mistake

but you

YOU made this something more

YOU programed me to need this

to need love.

i am now cuaght

needing

wanting

and having nothing

just touch

just tears

and a few more beers.

i stare out the passenger side

watching the smoke stacks dance

along the horizon.

the smoke from the car in front of us

hacks and staggers like a old man weezing for breath.

daily commute, this would be too much for me

lucky i am just passing through

the heart of chicago.

ljmhnbfuytrfdgtvbfcjnk

(GOD DAMN IT NIKI I AM trying TO TYPE...gah..anyway)

spattering and sputtering its stinky gas...

(yes it smelled like ass... it was chittcago)

*i had to rhyme...lol*

these beasts of transportation

screaming and intrupting me the whole way.

if i was there mother

i would make them

eat their words

then eat some soap!

scare my heart and black my bruise,

you do anything you want to.

take my breath and give me pain,

you made pain your

very firtst name....

cause this was all you were used to.

and that was all that you wanted to do...

and i dont blame you

i couldnt if i try...

now please let me go

i need to cry....

We walk down the trampled path, pulling branches back and letting them slap back behind us. We watch our surrounding through the shallow moon light. I grow anxious with time and darkness, it takes trust for me to let him lead me astray... for me to let him lead me into the dark depths of the woods.. Anything and everything can be hidden within its pine walls. Every scent is sharp to me. It drives deep into me, connecting to memories and shivering down my spine. Like the feeling you get when you think something is going to happen, or like it has happened before. De javu its called. And I have a large case of it. Right now its pouring down my spine.

We walk on, talking quietly, though no one will ever hear us. I stare patiently into his eyes as he talks. Watching them reflect each feeling. Deep or cold. I feel connected to him this way. We get to the top of the steep incline and we stop. Just staring at one another. Holding back everything and nothing at all. Watching through the moons shadows, I think I can see him smiling. I can imagine the corners of his mouth peeling back and up on his cheeks. His cheeks balling up. Curse the tree's for ever trying to hide this.

I break our ties, and look back at the path we came from. Our foot prints will be fresh to any predator, or anyone curios of someone elses path, someone elses journey. I find a wooden post; its about four feet tall. It was most likely put here so people know where the path is. I wrap my hand around it. Feeling the texture against my hand. He watches me discover. I shift my weight and fall forward, tightening my grip on the pole as I swing.

He is watching me fall.

My body drifts carelessly around the pole, falling but never hitting the ground. I land on the other side, standing strait. I jump, prancing across the ground. Twisting and sliding as I go. Frolicking towards him, I reach out rounding him at the shoulders, then spinning out, I stop and face him. I smile as I watch him... trying to read him through the pale moonlight.

He laughs, and I apologize for my random behavior. He waves it off. "Dont worry, its ok"

We continue down the path, tramping over the vast piles of dirt, twigs, and grass. Twigs popping and cracking as I stumble. Rocks sputtering as I kick them aside. Pine branches smack hard in our wake, I glance behind us... watching the trees hide our path... watching them forget we were there.

We begin to slow. Our steps fast and slow, hesitant and forward.

"I am not sure if I should.... there is something I want to do... but..."

I stare at him, curios of his meaning....he continues

"I want to do this .... But I..."

I tilt my head "do what?".... I know what he wants... I can see it in his eyes now. He looks up at me... and walks closer to me... Walking slow and fast, hesitant, but forward.

he stops looking me in the eyes.... then he grabs me... holding me.... and kisses me... lightly... curiously, yet needingly. he presses me close... curiously yet needingly. We fall to the ground... kissing and feeling, groping and needing. Passionate but blinding. We peal our lips away, and i look up at him...he smiles

"I have never done this before"

"What?.... kissed a girl?"

"No...Made out in a forest"

We raise ourselves from the ground, brushing off the dirt and leaves... and walk away, watching the trees hide everything.... forgetting we were ever there.

do not use me,

do not waste me.

i am not your toy

to use when you please.

i am not you object

to claim your own

and leave on your shelf.

i am not your doll..

but i may be your flower.

i am delecate

i am beautiful.

i am wanted,

but if you ignore me

i can only

wither

away.

...

..

.

so hold me.

for god sake love me.

if you do

i will never go away.

he loves me,

when he looks into my eyes,

i feel like everything is there.

death, life, i can see it all there,

in your eyes.

and now i'll never be alone again...

every thing

lopsided....

falling off

this one sided...

emotion running

          haywire.......

no

            response           to me.

well thats just great,

caught in a world

i hate.

if all i am is a good fuck.

well then nothing really matters anymore.

now does it?

i wanna be like her, mommy

i wanna lace up black knee highs

with my cheep leather boots.

i wanna be like her, mommy

let some guy grab my theigh

watch him smile as he makes me cry.

let me trade my body

for a small amount of money

mommy, i wanna be like you.

i'll get fake tits

and give the mayor a good screw.

that way, i can say

there was someone

importaint in me too.

so come on mommy.

show me what to do!

i wanna fuck the world over

as good as you...

drive the dagger deep.

then pull it down and out.

the pain is farmiliar,

less than death,

but more than saying good bye to you....

ok... so i am still bord and i think i should write something cheery and fruity so.... yea here i go.....

the taste of sweet intoxication,

not that of alcohol,

its too much poison for the blood.

no

im talking the real deal.

the thing that makes your insides

burn and peel.

love...

its my fruity massiah....

and no i dont know what that means.

but its funny to say right?

god damn strait im right.

the gay guy at the end of every street.

paradise has never been so peaceful.

concaved emotion.

i'll draw it deep within.

that way you can read all about my sin.

here

i'll take you back.

let me begin.

it was dark

i was born

things were torn.

i felt beat

so i went to sleep.

and its the same every day.

i know i'll never get away.

but at least i can feel.

feel cotton candy melt on my toung.

come out totally bruised

and feel like i won.

and feel what its like to be loved by someone.

yea i know

your jealous.

i've lost controll

my life has fallen down a black hole.

i cant see,

everything empty in me...

the light at the end,

it seems so far and when

i look into your eyes

i think i have enough to get by.

but thats lost to,

everything that i belonged too,

i guess it left with you....

today a rainbow appeared, it ran down my arm. the shades were blinding...

a little red fairy popped out. with her body as red as blood, and her wings crackling through the air like fire.

she looked at me and said,

what are you doing.

i replied "nothing" and began to cry.

the translucent tears glittering with a blue tint,

her eys grew wide,

"it is what you make it, child, so put down your daggar, and pick up your sword!"

i lifted my head, smiled, and began to walk away,

"where are you going?" asked my firefly,

"to the battle feild" i replied.

so... this is a poem i wrote in the begining of the semester... i like it so yes, im posting it....

this justifacation has finally lost its breath,

and though you persue it in such an

enthusiastic manner,

and with utmost curiosity

you fail to read the text

before your face,

a brisk smack to your upturned face.